: A smart blond

　

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer replies that the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys toher new Mercedes-Benz SLR.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She produces the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $450,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Miss, w e are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we did a background check and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The blonde calmly replies, 'Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Finally, a smart blonde joke!!!

 

 

 

> I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

>

> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman > waving at> him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't > place where> he knows her from.>

> So he says, "Do you know me?">

> To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my > kids.">

> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been > unfaithful to> his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my > bachelor party> that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies >

 watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???">

> She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's > teacher.">

 

 

 

: I can definately relate to this!!!

 

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he
would take his 7 year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car
for some bonding time, just he and his granddaughter.
     
One week in particular he came home sick, and on Sunday he was
still battling a bad cold and really didn't feel up to going out for a
drive at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she  would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
her grandfather.
     
    "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
     
    "Oh yes, Grandpa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We
didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head or son of a bitch
 anywhere we went today!"
 
    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

 

 

 BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!
 
 
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
 
 
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich ..
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.!
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!
 
 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn' t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey , I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
 
 
 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
 
 
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

75 years old fisherman

 A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day, when he heard a voice say,
Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me  up.'
 He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

 The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up, then kiss me, and
I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

 The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket.
 Then the frog said,
'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

 

Driver's license

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.' 

How to tell the sex of a fly 
                            
 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
 stalking around with a fly swatter.
     'What are you doing?' She asked. 
     'Hunting Flies' 
He responded.
     'Oh!  Killing any?' She asked.
     'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,'He replied. 
Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?' 
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.

 

 

 

LENA and OLE ---

 Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

 Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'

 So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 

 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl..  He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.' 
 
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real
Serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and

You vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the  WD-40!!.

 

 

THIS IS WHY OUR HEALTH CARE IS SO HIGH!!!

Bubba Had Shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:


Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said: 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.


Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had..

Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.


A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..'

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck.

Where do you want me to unload 'em??