humors2.htm

>WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN

>This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true:

>I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We

walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.

>My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This Is

the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received."

>I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many >angels

sorting out petitions written on voluminous pape r sheets and scraps from people all over the world.>

>Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

>The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section.

>Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and

delivered to the living persons who asked for them."

>I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working >hard

at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth

>Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the Door >of

a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing.

"This is the Acknowledgments Section,"

>My angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed "How is it that there is no work going on here?" I asked.

>"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowl edgments."

>"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.

>"Simple," the angel answered. "Just say, 'Thank you, Lord.'"

>"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

>"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

>"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in >the world who has that opportunity.

>"Also, if you woke up this morning with more health than illness . . .>you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.

>"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation . . . you are ahead of 700 million people in the world.

>"If you can attend a church without the fear o f harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by three billion people in the world.

>"If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare.

>"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair.>

>"If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in >that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

>"Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

>A TTN:

>Acknowledgement Dept.: "Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to

share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with."

PHONES IN CHURCH

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Pennsylvania, upon entering a church in Renova, PA, behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"

I love this part.............................

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Pennsylvania now ..... You're in God's Country, It's a local call."

American by Birth - A Pennsylvanian by the Grace of God!

Creation vs Evolution

Finally, Creation vs Evolution explained in terms even a child could understand! A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

'Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

'The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

Praise the Lord

> There was a little old lady, who every morning> stepped onto her front porch,
> raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE> LORD!'
>
> One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
> He became irritated at the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her> and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'
>
> Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
>
> One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her> front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please
> Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
>
> The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. >
> 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED> GROCERIES FOR ME!'
>
> The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and> shouted: 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'>
> The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!
> HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

Pator & Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is:

Being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working! .

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to ! Sister Logical
ThenSister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Mirth

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied,
'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Faher and golf

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished.. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A Little Christian Humor

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused...

They faxed.

They e-mailed...

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES....

How Jews Got Their Ten Commandments!!!

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?'

God said, 'For example .......... Thou shall not kill.'

The Arabs were shocked, 'What? Not kill? No way! Killing and massacring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence. No, we are not interested.'

So God went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Africans wanted an example.

God said, 'For example .. Honour thy Father and Mother.'

The Africans were dismayed. They said, 'Father? Yo maan! Can't tell for sure who our fathers are, maan!'

So God went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans wanted an example.

God said, 'For example .. Thou shall not steal.'

The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said, 'No steal? No steal?? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh? Gracias, but no!'

So God went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French wanted an example.

God said, 'For example ......... Thou shall not commit adultery.'

The French were stunned. They said, 'What? Not commit ze adultery ....... ? Non, non, non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez vous. We, ze French, must have ze romance.'

So God went to the Chinese and said 'I have Commandments'.

The Chinese did not know what are Commandments.

God said, 'For example...... Thou shall not lie.
The Chinese blew up and said how do we do business without lieing.
Lieing is our culture as they practice The Art of Conmanship. No interest.

So God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Jews asked, 'Commandments? How much do they cost?'

God replied, 'Nothing. They are free.'

The Jews answered, 'Good . We'll take Ten!'