humors3


MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,

'The egg timer's broken.'


 

 

: hahahaha

>

> *A man called home to his wife and said, "** Honey I have been asked

> to go fishing up in **Canada** **with my boss & several of his > Friends**

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me

> to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough

> Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving

> From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" * *"

> Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

>

> The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she

> is, did exactly what her husband asked.

> The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good>

>

> The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

> He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But

> why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

> **

>

> You'll love the answer...** **

>

> The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

**Never Lie > to A> Woman...!!!*

 

 

 

 

 

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 pm


The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub
them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind
my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'



The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't
allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his
wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a
statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I
liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for

two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison
work.' 

 

 

                  What Do Retired People Do All Day?
            
             
Working people frequently ask retired people what they
             do to  make their days interesting. 
            
             Well, for example, the other day
             the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
             We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
             When we came out, there was a cop writing out a
             parking ticket.
            
             We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about
             giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing
             the ticket. I called him a Dumbass.
             He glared at me and started writing
             another ticket for having worn tires.
             So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second
             ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
             writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more
             we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
          
              Personally, we didn't care.
              We came into town by bus.
              We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
              It's  important at our age.

 

 

Add 13,13,13,13,13
was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting , '13....13....13...' 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little
gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. 

Some NUT poked me in the eye with a stick.  
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14...'