One evening a
husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that
she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair
of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?'
She replied ...'It's not talcum
powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'!!!
JEWISH MARRIAGE RULES .......
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding,
meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The man asks, "Rabbi,
we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with
women at the
wedding reception. But,
we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
says the rabbi. "It's immodest.
Men and women always
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex
after the wedding?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a "mitzvah", a blessed thing
within a marriage, in order to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man
"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of
vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because," says the rabbi, "that
could lead to dancing!"
lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their
Saturday morning round of golf. It was
their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was
transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of
them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man
said it would be okay, but they would be starti ng pretty early, at 6:30
am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The
woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be
up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be
She smiled, and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with
an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the
entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they
congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45' The next week
she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to
beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying
to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning
desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play their best round of golf of their lives to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play;
it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one
could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her
ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. F inally, one of the men could contain his
curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if
you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?'
The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had
fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and
got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his willy
was pointing to the right, I played right-handed; if it was pointed to
the left, I played left-handed.
All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this
bizarre information one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it pointed
straight up in the air?'
She said, 'Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.'
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control
of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown
an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "....why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl
Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're
There's a few minutes of silence.
"I no rike Jews either!" the copilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic."
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!"
captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah...
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery ,
Logan , Utah
I wonder if he died knowing he won the
'Coolest Headstone' contest?
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in
and who likes to
be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.