humor4

 

 

Miracle Grow

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'!!!

 

JEWISH MARRIAGE RULES .......

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the wedding reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"Absolutely not," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex after the wedding?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a "mitzvah", a blessed thing within a marriage, in order to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man
"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"Absolutely not!!!" says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because," says the rabbi, "that could lead to dancing!"

 

Golfing lawyers

 Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?'

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starti ng pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.

She smiled, and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.' She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.

She smiled, and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45' The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play their best round of golf of their lives to beat her.

As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. F inally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?'

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his willy was pointing to the right, I played right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I played left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it pointed straight up in the air?'

She said, 'Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.'

 

 

ALL SAME

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
 
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and
 an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
 
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
 auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
 
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "....why not?"
 
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
 
No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
 Japanese, not Chinese."
 
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
 
There's a few minutes of silence.
 
"I no rike Jews either!" the copilot suddenly announces.
 
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
 
"Jews sink Titanic."
 
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the
 captain, "It was an iceberg!"
 
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah... all same!

 


         
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah

             I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?



FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:


     
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,

            who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

         2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you

            laugh.

         3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
             and who doesn't lie to you.


        4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed

            and who likes to be with you.

         5. It's very, very important that these four women

            do not know each other.