A Word To The Wise...
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply;
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby... If you give her a
house, she'll give you a home... If you give her groceries, she'll give
you a meal... If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart...
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her... So - if you give
her crap, You will receive more shit than any one
human being can handle.'
Series of Joke
> Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
> fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
>
> A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled > LSD?'
> Granny replies, 'Forget the pills, have you seen the purple dragons > in the> kitchen?!'
>
> A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
> He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
>
> Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face > or my sexy body?'
> Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
>
> An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife >
leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;
> what do you think I should do?
> He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'=
>
> One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.>
> The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
> The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
> "Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
> "We actually have a lot of fun down here.
>
> You a drinking man?"
> "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
> "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
> Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
> The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
> "You a smoker?" the demon asked.
> "You better believe it!"
> "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
> You're already dead, remember?"
> "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
> The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
> "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
> "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
> You into drugs?"
> The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!
> You don't mean..."
> "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do > all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
> "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I > never realized Hell was such a cool place!">
> The demon said, "You gay?"
> "No."
> "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
>
> Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
> Friend: Oh really, what part?
> Blonde: All of me, silly.
>
> What do a group of blondes have in common?
> Nothing they can think of.
>
> A redneck lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in
> the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that
> he was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize.
> I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?"
> He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."
Organist
|
As
he sat facing her old
Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom!
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you
would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it
on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of
disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.' |
Author
and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'
*********************************************
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'
'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
*********************************************
On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat do wn behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.
'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...
'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'
*********************************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
*********************************************
An eye witness account from
A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,'was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.
'Are you God's wife?'
Sex Treatment and Insurance
Thought from Men's Heart
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted
her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They
reached the
altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father
and placed
something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering
what was given
to the father by the bride.
The father
could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him
to divulge the
secret and say something. So he announced :
'Ladies and
Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then
he
raised his
hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My
daughter
finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole
audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But
not
the poor Groom
! ! !
And now
the Best one. . . . .*
A Man was
walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If
you take one
more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you.'
The man stopped
and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the
road.
Once again the
voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one
more step a car
will run over you, and you will die. '
The man did as
he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the corner,
barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your
guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?'
the man said 'And where the Hell were you when I got
married?'
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