humors5

A Word To The Wise...

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply;

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby... If you give her a

house, she'll give you a home... If you give her groceries, she'll give

you a meal... If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart...

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her... So - if you give

her crap, You will receive more shit than any one

human being can handle.'

 

 

Series of Joke

 

> Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so

> fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

>

> A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled > LSD?'

> Granny replies, 'Forget the pills, have you seen the purple dragons > in the> kitchen?!'

>

> A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I  look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

> He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

>

> Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face > or my sexy body?'

> Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

>

> An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife >

  leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;

> what do you think I should do?

> He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'=

>

> One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.>

> The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

> The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

> "Hell's not so bad," the demon said.

> "We actually have a lot of fun down here.

>

> You a drinking man?"

> "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

> "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.

> Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

> The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

> "You a smoker?" the demon asked.

> "You better believe it!"

> "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.

> You're already dead, remember?"

> "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" 

> The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

> "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

> "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

> You into drugs?"

> The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!

> You don't mean..."

> "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do > all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

> "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I > never realized Hell was such a cool place!">

> The demon said, "You gay?"

> "No."

> "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

>

 

> Blonde: I was born in the U.S.

> Friend: Oh really, what part?

> Blonde: All of me, silly.

>

 

> What do a group of blondes have in common?

> Nothing they can think of.

>

 

> A redneck lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in

> the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that

> he was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize.

> I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?"

> He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."

 

 

 Organist


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
  

 

 

 

 Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
 Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
 The purpose of the
 Contest was to find the most caring child.
 
    The winner was:
 
  A four-year-old child, whose next door
 neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
 wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
 Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
   When his mother asked him what he had
 said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
 Helped him cry.'

 
 *********************************************
 
  
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
 discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
 had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
 students suggested that he was adopted.
   A little girl said, 'I know all about
 Adoption, I was adopted..'
 
   'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
  another child.
 
     'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
 in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
 
 *********************************************
 
      On my way home one day, I stopped to
 watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
 park near my home. As I sat do wn behind the bench on the first-
 base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
    'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
 With a smile.
 
  'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
 don't look very discouraged.'
 
  'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
 Puzzled look on his face...
 
 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
 Been up to bat yet.'
 
 *********************************************
 
 Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
 in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
 
    Jamie was trying out for a part in the
 school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
 in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
 
        On the day the parts were awarded, I went
 with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
 eyes shining with pride and excitement..  'Guess what, Mom,' he
 shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
 me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
 
 *********************************************
 
   An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December,  some years ago:

A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
 roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering 
with cold.
 
   A lady approached the young boy and said,
  'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
 
 'I was asking God to give me a pair of
 shoes,'was the boy's reply.
 
   The lady took him by the hand, went into
  the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
 for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
 and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
 
 She took the little fellow to the back
 part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
 his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
 
 By this time, the clerk had returned with
 the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
 a pair of shoes..
 
      She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
 and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
 doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
 
   As she turned to go, the astonished kid
 caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
 in his eyes, asked her.
 
  'Are you God's wife?'

 

Sex Treatment and Insurance

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where  male patient was masturbating furiously.
 
 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman.
 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
 The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
  'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that,
   but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly
   fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in
   extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
   'Oh, well in that case, I guess its okay,' said the woman.
     
  As they passed by the very next room,
they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on  him.
 Again, the woman screamed,
'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
  Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better insurance.'

 

 

Thought from Men's Heart

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They
reached the altar and the waiting groom;  the bride kissed her father
and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering
what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him
to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'   Then
he
raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,  'My
daughter finally,  finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . .   But
not
the poor Groom ! ! !


And  now  the  Best  one. . . . .*



A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,  'If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.  He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the
road.
Once again the voice shouted,  'Stop !  Stand still !  If you take one
more step a car will run over you, and you will die. '

The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around
the corner, barely missing him.  The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?'  the man said  'And where the  Hell were you when I got
married?'
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