Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
Talking........and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is
Farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
Nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
Show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
Another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
Get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
Back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
Her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
Then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee
And screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
Touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway..
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
Behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to
His flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
Heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
Going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
Rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
Was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
Hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
Dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
Saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO.......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
You gotta love Tonto
Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they
got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow..
What's it tell you,Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
It means someone stole tent."
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.
He had delusions of adequacy."
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than llumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."