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David Letterman's
Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex..... #10... A below par performance is considered damn good. #9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. #8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot. #7... Foursomes are encouraged. #6... You can still make money doing it as a senior. #5... Three times a day is possible. #4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. #3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day. #2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...... #1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it! |
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British Courtesy
An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. So he went down one of the side streets. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here. You can't do that here, follow me" the officer told him. The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers. The American tourist unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." |
Top 4 Adult Jokes
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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill.. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal |
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Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What
are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...?
You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour.'
Husband: 'I
was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife :
'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure!
What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes
or no.'
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Wife: 'You
always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When
there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem
disappears...'
Wife: 'You
see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes!
I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than
this one?'
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Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When
we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.'
Boy: 'It's
very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well
that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum,
when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a
lady.'
Mom: 'Well,
you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But
mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A
wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy
body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the Head with
a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was
for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants
pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the
housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him
on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon
regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.
'Your horse phoned'